Love and Money
Written by Cathy
“They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love”. – William Shakespeare from ‘Love’s Labour’s Lost’
Money is often cited as the leading cause of divorce in the western world. When I found this article Money isn’t the culprit in most divorces, it made me think, is this true?
Money does not wreck relationships. Lack of communication and compromise does. Money just happens to be the catalyst in which poor communication and compromise occurs.
When dating evolves to a point where you are considering ‘the next level’ whether moving in together or marriage, it’s time to come clean about your debts and priorities. Who pays for the dinner and movies is inadequate information about financial compatibility.
At the same time, until you both are ready to have a serious relationship, the state of your finances is nobody’s business but your own. Confessing about your bankruptcy in the first couple of months of dating may put forth uncomfortable questions about whether you are with a person to be bailed out. Do what you feel comfortable with.
Show your strength and independence. If you need to reveal an embarrassing and unpleasant topic, admit your mistake, and say you are taking charge of it. Keep your finances separate until you have agreed to combine finances in marriage. Do not accept money gifts or loans from your partner. Thank them, but let them know your debts before you come into marriage is your problem. Have them settled before you commit so it does not become a source of contention or liability on your future. Your partner will love and respect you for it. If they become angry or insistent about it – be wary. They may be trying to control you through money.
If your partner is the one with money troubles, do not give them money gifts or loans. Do not think you can try to solve their money problems. If things don’t work out, you are going to feel like a fool. If they have a serious debt problem, let them know you have concerns about it and it may jeopardize any long term plans you may have together. Be wary if they try to make you feel guilty about not helping them. You should feel empathy, but not obligated.
If they have acknowledged personal responsibility, then your emotional support will be appreciated. Congratulate them on their achievements!
You can talk to them about it, and give them passive advice, but know that ultimately, you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself. If they do not want to change, lash out at you, and refuse to have an honest discussion about it, weigh your options carefully. 30-40-50 years of union with someone is a long time. 5 years with someone who wrecks your credit can impact your life in direct (bankruptcy) or indirect (losing compound interest savings) ways for at least as long. If you have children, you will never be entirely separated from your partner, even if you split. Memories of a painful separation lasts a lifetime.
If your partner comes to you with a criticism, thank them, as uncomfortable as it is. Reward them for being open and honest. Before becoming defensive, take a moment and be self reflective. Does my partner have a point? Do I have a spending problem? It also swings the other way, too. Am I cheapskate? Am I an ungenerous penny pincher? Agree with the person that you can see how they would feel that way. You may also bring up any concerns you have. Open discussion means there is your side too.
If they say these things to you lashing out in anger, walk away and talk later. Just as you reward someone for honest communication, refuse to reward bad behavior. Perhaps they have a point, but they owe you a calm and reasonable discussion about it.
Learn how to negotiate and compromise. If your partner says you spend too much money on shoes, say, ‘I see your point. I need new shoes for work, where a neat clean image is important. If I buy a new pair of shoes, I will donate or sell an old pair that I have’. Then follow through with it. If you don’t, you will lose respect. Lose enough respect, and it’s over. Money didn’t cause that – you did.
If you are buying things compulsively and you don’t really need them, then you don’t have a strong negotiation point. Concede.
Take a long, deep look in the mirror. Let’s say you get married or move in together. Your partner had lots of money in savings, good credit and no debts before they met you. You have creditors calling you and couldn’t get a credit card even during a period of lax credit checks. Suddenly, both of you are having trouble making ends meet. Your rent check bounces. Who is most likely to have influenced this situation?
Closing Thoughts
Talking about your past is uncomfortable. There’s always something embarrassing we wish we could never reveal. However, when you are talking about a committed relationship, you need to put everything on the table, especially the uncomfortable topics. Despite the openness and honesty, there is a chance your partner will choose to not accept it. It is painful, but it is their right. You cannot try to choose for another person by keeping secrets. You can only choose what’s right for you. Sometimes, you might be the one who decides to walk away.
What’s your take? Why do most divorcing couples list ‘money’ as the reason? Do they mean something else? Why are people willing to disclose their credit for a car loan, but are terrified of sharing it with someone they want a relationship with?
It’s hard isn’t it. Our relationship with and attitude towards money is a very personal thing. When you get married you aren’t just joining your bank accounts but you are trying to join your mental money worlds.
I am in total agreement with your point about not giving a loan. Its not because I lack the goodwill to help somebody out but because I believe that money is an area where people need to help themselves.
Great post Cathy.
Thanks for your comment, Tom. Great point about joining mental money worlds – I like that.
When I was young, I thought it was stupid and petty to have money differences stand in the way of love. Spender/Saver – we could work it out, right? Some people do…it didn’t work for me.
I found out what the consequences could be – the hard way. I don’t care about rich or poor, but solvent is important.
I kept my debt hidden from almost everyone I knew. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me…or worse, think I wanted something from them. What I speak of here is what worked for me.
Not sure if Internet Explorer is the problem, or your site is, but your site is not showing properly in IE8.
I see a lot of interesting posts here. Bookmarked for future referrence.
Been looking for this article for long time ago and finally found here. thanks for sharing this post. appreciate!